pinspiration: niagara blue

So far 2017 is shaping up to be such an exciting year in my life, and I keep feeling like so many of my little steps along the way have led me to precisely this season. In November, I was hired as the instructional coach and coordinator for a new school-within-a-school, the seeds of which were planted long ago. I would not have taken the chance to even apply for the job if not for the confidence I've gained from working with the most amazing team of all-new-to-8th-grade-English teachers this year. All the best things I've done in life have come from choices I've made when I had nothing to lose.

Two weeks ago, my forward momentum came to a grinding halt and balancing two jobs at once became too much for me to bear. Teaching has never been an 8:30-3:30 job for me - it's not just my job but my calling and passion and I am a self-identified workaholic. I love what I do. But adding a lot of research, paperwork, and tasks that delved into the PR and HR fields on top of planning three differentiated lessons a day for 70+ hormonal tweens, scoring 70+ essays on a regular basis, and dealing with all of the IEP progress reports, RTI forms, gradebook deadlines - oh, and being the 8th grade English department chair - my body finally said "nope." What I thought was just a good cry after a stressful conference call and one dropped ball on my part was actually the first sign that I was sick.

I woke up at 3 a.m. the next morning with terrible pains in my stomach. A few hours later, it became abundantly clear that I had norovirus - fever, chills, and all. I had to miss two days of work and lived on saltine crackers and Pedialyte for a week. Through it all, my team - the 5 beautiful ladies I've been mentoring this year - were there for me, helping make sure that my substitutes had the right plans and materials, that my students were behaving and on track, and, once I returned to work, that I really had talked to the powers that be about my workload.

These girls - our group Snapchat name is "Teacherladies" - aren't just my coworkers. They've become some of my dearest friends. I was so heartbroken about my old English team breaking up, but I don't think I've ever connected with a new group of people so quickly. One of the greatest gifts this group of women has brought me has been the invitation to a Bible study consisting of a handful of English teachers, several young pastors, and a handful of other folks in their late 20's and early 30's from a variety of denominations. Oh man, has this group been a blessing for Mr. Q and I. Sitting in a friend's living room last night, arms still sore from an indoor rock climbing adventure we shared this weekend, talking about Jesus and taking communion and cuddling with dogs, I was just so thankful that the Lord restores my soul - even if it takes getting knocked down by my immune system to know that restoration needs to happen.

#5FandomFriday: January 8th - 5 Ways I Grew in 2015

5 Fandom Friday is a weekly prompt challenge hosted by The Nerdy Girlie and Super Space Chick. This week's #5FandomFriday topic is 5 Ways I Grew/Changed/Evolved in 2015, and as I wrote this post I realized it was going to get very personal. Instead of how I grew as a geek, I'm writing about how I grew as a person in 2015.

5. I stopped reading books I wasn't excited about.

Reading is my favorite hobby, it's basically my identity, and I like being able to feature book reviews here on the blog - particularly for new releases! However, this year I realized I wasn't looking forward to some of the books that I had downloaded to review for one service I had joined. I realized that I really didn't like the way that particular service was set up - if I didn't review a book in a certain amount of time, they would drop me from their list of bloggers, but there often wasn't a book I was super-excited about on the list of offerings. I finally came to the realization that there are so many amazing books out there I haven't read - award winners, classics, bestsellers, books in series and by authors I already love - and life is simply too short to slog through books that don't spark my inner fire! I left that not-so-great service behind and am mostly getting books from the public library now, with the occasional new release from NetGalley.

4. I realized that I can't be everyone's friend.

After the spring field trip I had a serious falling out with a co-worker who I had tried very hard to befriend even though she had a reputation for being hard to work with. This coworker posted some passive aggressive comments on my personal social media (basically suggesting that I could have done a better job planning the trip) and other co-workers, and eventually administrators, saw them. She was reprimanded and there was just no getting back the friendship - I did not feel like I could trust her. Both in my private and work life, I've learned over the past year or so that if a friendship feels like work, it's probably not working, and that it's okay to let go. I've always been really friendly to everyone I work with, and I still will, but ultimately I've realized that the fewer people I confide in the less likelihood there will be of my feelings getting hurt.

3. I took initiative with my family.

My extended family lost a lot of our closeness when my grandmother passed away about 15 years ago. She was definitely our matriarch - nurturing, vivacious, and tough - and most of my Saturdays growing up were spent at her house with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins' kids. This year, I took a baby step toward trying to have a better relationship with my cousins, and a few of us had a girls' weekend in Charlottesville and went to the Fleetwood Mac concert. There were a few hiccups, but ultimately it was a great weekend, we really bonded and opened up to each other, and I think my cousins see me as a real person now and not a little kid.

2. I started seeing myself as beautiful again.

It sounds silly to write this, but I find myself smiling when I look in the mirror for the first time in years. I was bullied about my appearance in middle school and my self-esteem has been fairly low ever since - I've been confident about being smart, being a good leader, being a good person, but I've been anxious about my looks. I think I've always had this crazy fear in the back of my mind that Mr. Q or one of my friends would turn to me one day and go, "you know, I never noticed before, but your face is covered in gross acne scars and your hairy arms make me want to vomit!" This summer, I participated in a few style challenges on Instagram. I thought that seeing my picture every day would be annoying to my friends - I seriously believed people hated selfies - but I got lots of nice comments, both on Instagram and in person! As the summer went on, I realized that I was actually feeling better about myself. I've also started getting "real" haircuts and color this year - for years I had been going home to get my haircut, and while those $12 haircuts were easy on my wallet they weren't actually very flattering! Finally, this year I feel like I was able to nail down my personal style with help from capsule wardrobe bloggers, Stitch Fix, and lots of time on Pinterest, and I feel much more comfortable and confident in clothes that actually fit both my body and lifestyle.

1. I admitted that I wasn't as strong as I was pretending to be.

In December, I went through my worst bout of clinical depression in nine years. As I was dealing with the usual funk that settles in around the anniversary of my father's death, the thought, "This has been the most disappointing year of my life" popped into my head, and I wept for pretty much a day straight. My reasons for feeling that way weren't just in my head: first, we intended to purchase a home this year, but the market where we live has not had many options that are in our price range and right for our lifestyle. I was heartbroken because I felt like I'd "lost" opportunities due to the sacrifices we'd made to save "house money" for a house that doesn't exist. On top of that, the boxer puppy I'd been promised by a friend-of-a-friend and was so excited about was sold on Craigslist in a very dishonest way. Even as Mr. Q helped me to count my blessings - we rent a lovely townhome in a convenient location at an affordable rate, skipping theater and restaurant dates helped us get creative, and giving up my dream vacation helped us discover a new favorite American city - the depression wasn't lifting. I was starting to have physical symptoms and had to take a day off work. When I went back the next day, intending to make an appointment with a psychologist during my planning period, my hands were shaking so badly during homeroom and my chest felt so tight that I had to take a second day off. That was it - if I couldn't do my job, I obviously wasn't okay. The depression was real. Mr. Q came home from work to take me to the doctor, and I'm on some new medication. It felt a bit like a step back, since I'd worked so hard years ago to stop taking antidepressants, but here's the thing - my brain doesn't produce serotonin correctly. Taking medication for depression is no different than taking medication if any of my other organs weren't working the way they should be. I've been more honest with my family, friends, and co-workers this go-round about how bad my depression really was and how much the medication is actually helping, and I'm feeling much better.

liebster blog award!

I've been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by Laura from The Turquoise Home.  It's a really unique award given by bloggers to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The purpose of the Liebster Blog Award is to show new bloggers that they are appreciated, and to help spread the word about new blogs.   The award was created to promote appreciation and recognition among the blog world.   Liebster translates to "dearest" (or favorite/best) in German. It is also known as the Love Blog Award.  Thanks so much for the nomination, Laura, and for showing my tiny blog some love!

**The Rules:**
1. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
2. Answer the questions that the nominator set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for the people you nominate.
4. Choose 11 blogs you love (with less than 200 followers) and link them in your post.
5. No tag back (but please leave me a comment on this post with the URL to your Liebster post so I can learn more about you)!

**11 random things about me:**

1. I was not allowed to wear red nail polish (because "nice girls don't wear red nail polish") or watch The Simpsons (because Bart was disrespectful to his parents) as a kid.  My parents had some of the most random rules ever.
2. I collect vintage blue Ball Mason jars from local antique stores and thrift shops and use them to store just about everything.
3. I spent one year in elementary school in a multi-age 1st-3rd grade classroom, and I really wish that style of teaching had caught on more.  I learned and grew more that year than ever before.
4. I took dance from the time I was in first grade through my first year of college.  I quit after a bad audition and really regret that I gave up so easily and compared myself to other dancers so much.  I am still really inspired by dance and it's my favorite way to work out.
5. As a kid I refused to wear the color green because it was the color of the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz.
6. Tunnels, including subway/metro tunnels, really freak me out.
7. My favorite color has been purple since my mom bought me a purple sunflower hat like Blossom had on the television show.
8. I was once on a softball team that either lost or forfeited every single game we played.
9. In college I spent two weeks in Ireland for a January term English class with my two favorite professors.  I don't know if that's long enough to count as study abroad, but it was perfect for a homebody like me.  I would love to go back someday and take Mr. Q because he is Irish-American and has never been there.
10. I have been obsessed with France since high school and my #1 dream travel destination is Paris.
11. I was almost an Anthropology minor, until I started falling asleep every day in my archaeology class and realized it was probably not really for me.  I still love learning about other cultures and traditions from around the world, and about traditional agriculture and cooking.

Keep reading for Laura's questions for me, my questions, and my nominees!

my big goals for the future

B from With Love From Michigan shared some of her goals and dreams for life this week, and I was inspired to do my own "hey, here are my dreams" post.

 

My dream home would look like a combination of farmhouse, Craftsman, and Cape Cod styles, with enough white paint to make me happy and enough stonework to make Josh happy (1 | 2).

My personal-life and financial goal is that Josh and I will be able to save enough money to move out of the townhouse, buy some land, and build a modular home within the next few years.  I really like living within a small town, but miss having being out in the country with a big backyard and space to plant a garden.  I want a space that's ours, where we can paint the walls and change things without losing our security deposit.

My family goals are that we can find a small church with a belief statement that matches our values.  I struggle with my faith sometimes, but I know that life felt much more centered when I attended church on a regular basis and had a "family" praying for me and supporting me spiritually.

My health goal is to continue to avoid Type 2 diabetes, which I am at a slightly higher risk for than the general population because I am part Native American.  My paternal grandfather who was 1/2 Cherokee and most of his children had diabetes and I do not want to have to inject myself with insulin like Grandaddy did.  One of my biggest fears is that if I am diagnosed with diabetes I will eventually have to go on dialysis like my dad did when his kidneys failed.  My doctor classes me as "pre-diabetic," which basically means that if I become overweight my body will probably not be able to regulate my blood sugar.  A healthy diet and regular exercise are essential for me, but they're the first things to fall by the wayside when I am stressed out at work or by personal issues. I would like to put more than five pounds between being healthy and having a serious illness.

I have a lot of travel goals.  Several are very doable and fairly close by, I've just never had the time - Nashville, Memphis, New Orleans, Boston, New York City.  My very silly travel goal is wanting very badly to visit the Harry Potter theme park.  I also want to visit as many of our National Parks as possible.  I want to visit England, France, Italy, Kenya, and Australia.

My work goals are fuzzier.  I love teaching, but I am someone who likes to grow and feel like I'm advancing, so I just don't see myself in Room 112 for a whole 30 year career.  I am passionate about getting kids to enjoy and excel at writing to express themselves and hope to participate in the Blue Ridge Writing Project's invitational summer institute next year.  I also want to host a student teaching intern in my classroom and explore whether I might want to be an education professor someday.  My biggest dream throughout my life has been to write a book, but unlike B's goal of writing a professional book, I want to write fiction for young readers.  I want students to walk into their school libraries and see a book with my name on it.

Is it strange that in writing, my goals seem LESS scary and more realistic?